Black Plum, Fig and Berry Pie with Brown Butter Oat Streusel

Black Plum, Fig and Berry Pie with Brown Butter Oat Streusel

“I elect something I can love and absorb myself in it.” – Anaïs Nin, Winter, 1931

February, my month of thwarted longing and despair. The dark days, the rainy days. The lucid dreams and wild silence. It felt like an eternity of feelings abandoned. Unwillingly becoming serenaded whilst the nocturnal melodies of mind trembled with the longing for somewhere else, someone else. You see, I fall easily. Feel easily. I’ve forged an entire career out of feeling too much. And in that moment, all needs become secondary. I lose, lose, lose myself. I have no desire for anything other than the thing that has it’s knuckles to my throat. And I accept it. And I live with it. And I wait for it pass. Until the next thing comes.

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Dark Chocolate and Raspberry Cake with Earl Grey Swiss Meringue Buttercream

Dark Chocolate and Raspberry Cake with Earl Grey Swiss Meringue Buttercream

“Between my sleeping and dreaming, Between me and the one in me who I suppose I am, A river flows without end.” – Fernando Pessoa, from ‘A Little Larger Than The Entire Universe: Selected Poems.’ 

A Dark Chocolate and Raspberry Cake with Earl Grey Swiss Meringue Buttercream for Valentine’s Day. As much as I love to create sweet things for the aforementioned date, I have never been one to celebrate the exhausted tradition. Probably because my beliefs on love and intimacy are so far removed from the ideals that the corporate world stemmed. But, here I am. Once again. The same fragmented girl as the one several moons ago, white-hot with exuberant gilded swan song. Like the most precious thing, untainted thing. Again, smoking with desire. But a desire no longer for the bitterness of exterior flesh, rather an endless hunger for eternal understanding of the human heart.

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Black Tahini Buns with White Chocolate and Orange

Black Tahini Buns with White Chocolate and Orange

Love is a rose. Every petal an illusion, every thorn a reality.” – Charles Baudelaire, ‘Les Fleurs du Mal’

I haven’t been in the mood to write lately. I think there’s a part of me that’s vexed by how much of myself I choose to put into each work. Writing a post requires a melangé of inspiration. And when I can, I take all that’s inside and weave it into obscure, mangled words, just as obscure and mangled as the far wailing walls of my mind. And right now, I’m coming up short. It’s never been that way with baking though. Baking is natural, just as natural as deep breath and even deeper hunger. It’s easy to dream in sweet combinations, cake layers and flavour. And when it isn’t there, I don’t force it. But to write, well, that’s a different story in its entirety

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Oahu, Hawaii

Oahu, Hawaii

“I didn’t want any flowers, I only wanted to lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty. How free it is, you have no idea how free – the peacefulness is so big it dazes you.” – Sylvia Plath, an excerpt from ‘Tulips’.

Here’s a small glimpse of my time in Oahu. I have to admit, I was slightly biased as to what it would be like. And, being there, completely removed all those preconceived notions that I had floating around in the sunken depths of my skull. It made me fall in love, over and over again. With fallen flowers, the fluidity of ebb and tide. With first light that hits the beating shore. With reflections of strangers, masquerading as myself. Air. Fresh, crisp, air. And the nectarine sticky-sweet, sun – fading too briefly to sting.

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Vegan Chocolate Mousse with Cardamom Coconut Cream

Vegan Chocolate Mousse with Cardamom Coconut Cream

Underlined passages, fragments of happiness that traverse the body and raise bridges all around because elsewhere and in the wild blue yonder they say there’s euphoria.” – Nicole Brossard, from ‘Soft Link 1″.

This is home, finally! And it feels good. To be back, that is. I never thought I would openly profess that. I was contented with lush rolling mountains, piercing turquoise oceans, palm trees and pale sand. Efflorescent underneath sharp streaks of hot sun. But somewhere, my lifeblood was beating from a far different direction, and the life I’ve created at home, was waiting for my return. My desire has always been to escape and run, to be part of some kind of nomadic, aimless existence. And I continue to feel it over-and-over again. Never enough horizon, never enough experience. Call it a slightly romanticised perspective, but whatever. It’s universal escapism in its first and finest form. Exisiting is exhausting, and I’m still trying to live with it.

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Dark Chocolate Merveilleux with Honey and Lavender

Dark Chocolate Merveilleux with Honey and Lavender

“When I woke, the morning light was just slipping in front of the stars and I was covered in blossoms.” – Mary Olive, from Blue Iris

There’s always been a deep desire within my soul to run. I feel it in every fibre, every atom, every crevice and fleshed crack. To escape to unknown possibility, without destination or desolate end. Where the air remains warm, slow and unhurried.  To wander in a kind of nomadic existence, tethering on the side of both light and dark, fleeing to some kind of self-induced euphoria. Where she grows in radiance, impenetrable desire and luminous ecstasy, wearing her bona fide sins like stars that illuminate the endless night.

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